Archive for February, 2010

Tesla Motors Executives Are Believed Dead in Plane Crash

February 17, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today, after a competitor reported that there had been a plane crash, I thought I would try “breaking news.” I remember hearing all about it in my overpriced grad-school classes from somebody who stopped being a journalist so they could work in academia.

I thought about hitting the phones, calling up all the sources I could think of, while listening with one ear to the scanner. I considered heading out to the scene of the accident or perhaps to the headquarters of the company that reportedly employed the victims.

But then I thought, fuck it. Other reporters are already doing that, so why don’t I go ahead and just rip off their work and put my name on it.

Three executives of Tesla Motors, the electric car company, are believed to be dead after the small plane they were in crashed in East Palo Alto, Calif., shortly after taking off in thick fog Wednesday morning, according to the car Web site Jalopnik, which said it received confirmation from a Tesla representative.

That’s right, from the car Web site Jalopnik.

At about 7:55 a.m., the twin-engine Cessna 310, which took off from Palo Alto Airport heading for Los Angeles County’s Hawthorne Municipal Airport, crashed into a residential neighborhood in East Palo Alto and might have caused widespread power outages. The plane was believed to be owned by Doug Bourn, a senior electrical engineer for Tesla Motors, a spokesperson with the company told a newspaper against which I was hired to compete.

Read more unconscionably fake journalism …

Zero-Trash Movement’s Success Hurts Berkeley’s Bottom Line

February 10, 2010

Dear diary,

You know my favorite way to start anything that I write? I write about me. “I’m” is awesome. So here goes:

I’m proud of my trash can. Maybe that makes me retarded. It holds just 20 gallons. But I keep wondering if I can do better. I could go down another 10 gallons. I would do it if I knew I’d get another break on my refuse collection bill from Waste Management of Alameda County. Because I’m nothing but a cheap slut masquerading as environmentally conscious.

I could be part of a problem – a problem that I won’t bother to define since even I don’t understand the nonsensical gibberish that I puke through my keyboard.

In Berkeley, one of the few cities that still does its own garbage pickup, a parallel push to smaller trash cans has led to an 8 percent revenue decline, which in turn contributes to the city’s $10 million revenue shortfall, reports Matthai Kuruvila in an article in the newspaper against which I was hired to compete. But lacking any skills, I’ll just plagiarize said competitor. It doesn’t seem like anybody in New York is paying attention, so who gives a shit. Is this the price of progress? Or a signal that it’s time to rethink the economic incentives that work too well?

Please allow me to disgracefully recap the reporting of my competitor for you, with plenty of narrative about my irrelevant life to entertain my relatives and any other losers who assumed that this blog site would contain new news. Oh, and if you think that I have the nous needed to answer the odd hypothetical question, ‘Is falling trash collection revenue a signal that it’s time to rethink the economic incentives that work too well?’ Then you’d be wrong. Any thinking person knows that the city could just start charging more for trash collection, but I’m no thinking person. Just a plagiarist.

Read more…

The University of California to Play the Waiting-List Game

February 1, 2010

Dear Diary,

Since I was born into money and never knew about the stress of getting into the UC system, I felt sorry for the poor kids my competitor  wrote about that might have to depend on a waiting list when they apply. They said more than 1,000 people I’d like to pretend I have empathy for, but don’t, because it’s too easy to steal their work and use it as my own might be affected.

I’m dwelling over the brilliance because it just means they’ll have to work harder and pay more to produce the same copy that I can just claim as my own.

The only problem is, these same fools who actually worked hard to get where they are also reported that Gov . Schwarzamacallit could restore some of their funds and ruin how easy this is for me.

But then I took a load off because similar schmucks that I’m ripping off made it clear it’s still going to be harder to get into the UC system even with more money enrollment’s going to be cut back.

So just for you guys, I entertained the idea of being a real journalist and picked up the phone for a little Q&A with someone who actually gives a crap and might relate to you.

please, read more…